The moment I heard my sister’s voice on a call placed from your phone, I knew something had happened. A car accident, or a problem at work, maybe. I never expected to hear the words she uttered next “mum is dead, she died.” The minutes and days that followed were a blur. Amidst the roller coaster ride full of grief and the waves of emotion that followed, you have remained close to me, never going far.
I’ve been ripped open. I have never experienced love like this. I hear and feel you everywhere. I have spent years searching for a way to live from my heart; practicing yoga, studying religions and philosophies, all in hopes of achieving balance in my life – of feeling and living the way I now feel and live. I’m living with my heart, which is where you live and from where you guide me. It’s the most pleasurable pain I have ever experienced. Leaning into the loss of you has brought me closer to grace. You’ve given me everything I have searched for but I wish this lesson on no one. Although the grace that emerges from me through this tragic, untimely death, is beyond beautiful, I wish there was another way for me to learn this. When I’m scared, I hear you asking me “why are you scared” and then I talk to you, and you say everything I need to hear – everything I know – “just breathe,” you say, and that you are always here with me, that you will always be here when I need to talk to you – that I already know all the answers to the questions I want to ask you. You have spent your entire life preparing me to be who I am – your life’s work is complete and I know you are finally resting.
You inspire me, mum. You changed your life and your perspective on it. Our daily calls no longer were about the negative, they were all about the positive. When I vented about petty things in my life, you patiently listened to me and then said exactly what I needed to hear “life’s too short, shake it off, don’t let it affect you.” I watched you transform your feelings of anger, pain and grief into forgiveness in the letters you wrote and therapeutically burned; you released all the feelings that were holding you down. I listened to you remind me that “life goes by so fast, Sara, enjoy it, everyday.” You and I are kindred spirits…best friends.. meant to be in each others lives for this short time, for you to leave all your lessons and footprints on my heart, and then to leave this physical world.
I honor you, mum. Every second of this life I live in honor of you for I am my mother’s daughter. Your intuitive wisdom lies deep within me and guides me through everything. In our last exchanges, I was honoring you and this precious life. After hiking to the top of a mountain, I was greeted by solitude and warm sunshine; not a single soul aside from my hiking companion was there to disrupt the pristine nature. I knew what I had to do. I shed my clothing and with hundreds of miles of the valley floor below as my backdrop, we snapped pictures of me and my bare backside. All throughout I said “I’ve got to send this to my mum, she’s going to love this” and that’s just what I did – we’re best friends like that. You and I shared our appreciation of the beauty that surrounded me, I showed you every moment of my wondrous life that weekend, reaffirming to you that I was perfectly alright and living just the way you’d taught me – thoroughly, whole-heartedly and with the eyes of a child.
In mourning, myself and others have asked why? There are brief moments in which I don’t understand why you left so prematurely, but there is deep peace in my knowing you left because it was your time. You left only when you knew Amanda and I would be okay on our own. You left after having given us all the lessons and love we would ever need from our mother. You left because your work here in the physical world was complete. In your passing, you’ve passed on your life to Amanda and I, and we will live our lives in honor of you. You dedicated your life to overcoming hardships and obstacles and taught us how to do the same. The only reassurance I have is knowing that you knew we are taken care of, that we’re okay, and that we have every thing inside of us. I feel safe and secure with this because I trust you and you trusted your work was finished. It’s a blessing to see you everywhere. And to feel your love wrapped around me like a blanket.
I love you. I’ll talk with you soon,